Anecdote No. 1 - How Do I Live

I don’t have too much to say when it comes to my upbringing so I will start with how my parents met each other in America after they immigrated from Asia. I am a middle child of 4 siblings. English is my 3rd language and Spanish (3 years) is my 4th. My mama wasn’t a strong English speaker and was rather timid. When she had her doctor’s appointment when we were still young, all of her doctors spoke Lao/Thai and she was able to follow up on our health checks with that resource available. Her limited knowledge in speaking English clearly may have been why eating fast food was practically non-existent in my childhood. I wasn’t fully exposed to American food until I started kindergarten.

Mama always made the best homemade meals. I recall strictly living off Laos’ national cuisine which was sticky rice, papaya salad, angel wings, stir fry, various soups, and my mother occasionally made larb sometimes also spelled laab or laap. I was and still am not a big fan of larb which is a spicy mixture of marinated meat or fish that is sometimes raw (prepared like ceviche) with a variable combination of herbs, greens, and spices. Lucky for us, Mama tailored her cooking to us girls by making our laab with fully cooked chicken meat. As I got older, I had learned to love sushi after some time after my older sister introduced me to it. Sushi rolls consist of small balls or rolls of vinegar-flavored cold cooked rice served with a garnish of raw fish, vegetables, and/or fish eggs (masago). I sometimes opt out of raw rolls and go for cooked rolls filled with fried shrimp, crab, or lobster.

I loved how my older sister, Hanna, would cook for us two. We only had each other as sisters growing up and had a mother-daughter like relationship. She was like a second mom to me more than a sister. We didn’t play together often, she had her own best friend in the neighborhood. Our neighborhood had a lot of diversity. Her childhood best friend was Thanh and they hung out a lot. My childhood best friend was really just me. I liked keeping to myself and throughout each day, we ate together as a family and watched multiple series of Thai Lakorn which was how I learned my second language. I never remember how or when I was given a new bed or new clothes/shoes but we always seemed to have exactly what we needed and just a little bit more than others. It wasn’t money but it was the lifestyle, the family time together and just clean clothes, a clean home, and both parents raising us together with their expertise.

I didn’t doubt what kind of lifestyle that I had or whether or not I wanted it to revolutionize. Change requires evolution which can be somewhat agonizing. After I graduated and started college, I recall how significant it was for me to give myself something to live for; something to give my life purpose and value. It took a while for me to come to the realization that what I wanted was a family. I realized that I was a very shy individual who didn't really have many friends growing up but things did change once I started junior high. I will fill you in on those days of my stardom next time.

One day, I spent an afternoon coming up with my first daughter’s name. For a full day, the letters in her name were slowly and strategically written out letter by letter while I was simultaneously drafting it and enunciating how I would like for her name to sound. I thought of something really cool and told myself that I want to have my name in all my daughters' names and even if I had a son, I would try to come up with something creative. I struggled with starting my kids' name with the letter Y. I basically was able to start their names with either the letter A or the letter M. I added a, e, i, o, u and just kept going and then I had it fully spelled out on a small scratch paper ready to be memorized for that special day. Time passed by and 3 years after having a name for her, at age 25, I gave birth to a very darling daughter who I excitedly and immediately named Maylana.

At the age of 25, I felt like an adolescent. During my pregnancy with Maylana, I was in my last year of college before getting my 3 degrees as an English/Business Major. I don’t know who can relate but my morning sickness and nausea were pretty bearable but the hormones really kicked my entire soul. I had this side of me that I have never met come out and following the hormones were a lot of unwanted distress. Those feelings were the feelings I did not want as a mother. During times like these, I felt lost and unstable and put my health and baby's health as a priority. It did and did not make sense to me how my priorities have changed but my pursuit to have a family was unstoppable.

Today, my daughter is age 8 years old and is a very amazing daughter, sister, and individual. She’s currently causing havoc in the kitchen going through the freezer and I’m trying to focus on my writing. I keep reminding myself, I need to finish this chapter, I need to publish this first excerpt this Friday, or Saturday. Maybe Sunday? Baby Shark is playing in the background right now; I feel like it’s every parent’s anthem. Where was this music 8 years ago?

I am suffering a case of cramps, headaches, and nausea. Today just isn’t a good day to be interrupted by every member of the house. I am wearing a navy blue sweater and corduroy black leggings; hair is up in a ponytail. Last night I decided to chop my hair, I took a good 4 inches off and it felt so good! The baby was moved into my bedroom to be closer because she was awake at midnight. She was showered with hugs, kisses and so much love after I finished watching American Murder: The Family Next Door.

I sat upright in my bed at 2am, 2 hours post-movie with a very heavy heart. I can't help but feel affected by the different lives of people that I have never met. How can any father be so monstrous and heartless to kill his 2 daughters of age 3 and 4 and his pregnant wife of 8 years who was pregnant with their first son?! There was video footage of his daughter singing a song dedicated to him on how he was her hero and it just really breaks my heart.

I know that nothing lasts forever, but divorcing your wife is the responsible thing to do than murdering your entire family. I know that it's just a matter of time for people and feelings to change. We may become dependent on each other or we may grow apart; it's something we have no control over. With the pandemic going on since March 2020, life can be really challenging for some and I just want to remind you all that no matter what it looks like to you, it may never be just that.

As I slowly introduce you to my family that slowly grew over the years, you will be able to paint a picture of the person that I am onto your canvas and whether that individual representing me on your canvas looks good or bad to anyone, the only thing that matters is how you see me. Is that your final impression and definition of me? If you continue to read my anecdotes, you'll soon realize that change is constant. Even if you change your perspective about how you see a person, it can still change time and time again.

My guard is high because of the things that happened to me after having my second baby. Just because some moms carry a lot of weight and it looks easy, it doesn't mean that it's not heavy. Some people are comfortable sharing their pain and their losses but I limit myself because I believe that too much of anything makes it less valuable. This saying applies to having too many friends, money, information, knowledge, and the list goes on. Even having many children, depending on what you consider to be a lot, can be a bad thing. I'll tell you about it next time.